Written by parishioner Flora Torra
Again, just like in calming ourselves, we are better off to take measures of prevention and establish self-regulation with our children, much more than coping with them when they are out of control. In other words, we help them develop self-control or self-regulation early on so we do not have to calm them down later.
We all have cycles of activation and settling in our nervous systems — it is the sympathetic and parasympathetic NS — and it is pretty autonomic, works without our thinking or managing. We develop these patterns very early in life; in the womb perhaps. So we can assist with this much easier in the first five years of life. That’s another talk for another day.
- Surprise them/distract them/use humor - we have to be on our toes with children because they are much more observant and alert than we So, watching them is crucial and getting to know when they are starting to deviate or lose control - its best to distract them or surprise them or use humor. Distracting can be done with movement (lets go for a short walk, lets stomp our feet) or words (I wonder why…) and your own sense of humor. The wackier the better! This is usually like hitting a Pause button; it doesn't cure it or make it disappear but that’s all they need to regain composure.
- Show them/redirect/repeat/respect - Another thing you can do is SHOW them, show them how you calm yourself, talk it through out loud, lift your hands up in the air, take some deep breaths; TELL them how its done; “ I need you to raise your hands up in the air like a tree, I need you to stomp your feet 5 times, I need you to…or “let’s feel our feet”. If they resist, ask them what they would rather do
- Connect emotionally & talk later (if at all) - talking is usually done later when they are in the right frame of mind. They learn more from watching you and sensing you and seeing you, not always from the talks. By “connect” I am referring to what Becky Bailey calls emotional connecting. It is through touch, through a ritual such as a simple massage on their back, or bending down to make eye contact in a loving
All in all, though, what helps a child feel seen and heard is when you “mirror” them. We call it “reflective listening” in play therapy or active listening. This is when you reflect back to them what they are doing or saying. It is a way of letting them know you are observing them, you are there with them in their own experience, in what they are sensing and feeling. You say things such as “you are feeling frustrated right now because….”, “you enjoyed finishing that paper on time” (if they look happy about it, not if you want them to do that more). This is a practice of really paying attention to their facial gestures, body gestures and overall demeanor. You don't have to agree or disagree with what they are doing, but you are letting them know you see it.
Here is the series: https://stmargaretmary.org/category/parenting
